Treating the fam to dinner at The Whitney. We are definitely thee most ghetto table of customers ever. It's like Beverly Hillbillies-meets-stereotypical Japanese tourists. I just spent my entire paycheck on beef wellington and roast duck and chocolate souffle. Aaand as I typed this I forgot I was in public and burped really loud.
Ever get home and you're so exhausted and angry and ready for a drink that you throw your suit jacket on the floor and trample all over it and immediately turn on the TV and don't bother changing the channel so you watch whatever's on and you unfasten your bra through your shirt and reach through one of your sleeves and yank the bra out and the snaps scratch your nipple on the way out and you fling that bastard across the room and it lands on the peace lily plant in the corner and then you collapse on the couch and wish you'd grabbed that bottle of wine and/or cupcake in the fridge on your way in?
Well turns out this is a really amazing true story that I usually pass up called Unbroken. It's about an Olympic Games contender who joins the service and becomes a WWII POW. And he's brutally tortured by the Imperial Japanese Army soldiers for years. Like, really REALLY brutal.
Damned Japs.
So that went off, I hit the "last" button and...wouldn't you know it...Schindler's List is on.
Okay so I just got home. Its 3am. I haven't even taken my shoes off yet. I'm sitting on a box in the kitchen to check for Facebook messages from my mother and...
Event went off without a hitch. Instead of tickets, I made it community outreach donations only. I placed a clear ballot box at the entrance with a sign that said donations for community outreach are appreciated. The suggested donation was $2, but as I carried the clear box back to my desk to count in the morning, I saw a few twenties! It's so humbling that people will give what they have freely to help the community.
All the performers were just amazing. Better than in their auditions. I was mostly backstage making sure things happened in order so I couldn't see the audience, but they were definitely on their feet and hooting a few times.
I'm just so proud of the employees who overcame their shyness and nervousness and went for it.
Oh, I ordered these three iridescent trophy pieces for the top 3 winners, but one broke while moving it. That's almost $300!! So I just gave out the 1st place award.
Well, it's been a looong night. I'm taking off tomorrow to spend time with my girlie from Miami,who hung with me at the talent show tonight. We're gonna eat pizza and watch Jerry Springer all day.
1 concentrated month planning a managers/execs boat cruise. A $45k check that I personally drove down to the boat dock this morning. A high maintenance band that demanded a special boat launch time and white rose arm bouquets who the execs just had to have. A crazy dinner menu with stuff I can't pronounce. I had to google some of it. Stalking the executives when they didn't RSVP. I actually leaned against one person's closed door so he couldn't get out until he gave me an answer.
All that, and then I miss the last shuttle because I was helping a guest.
Aaand as I'm typing this, I notice that my new shellac job has just chipped.
Meh.
But it's all good. An old friend from the Miami days is coming up to stay with me this week. So I could use this time to clean up a bit.
We worked together for a cruise line company in Miami Beach. That was a few years ago, before the earthquake and Detroit.
She's also a Second Life friend, though she's online even less than I am.
I gotta spray extra spider spray on all the ceilings. Last night I found a spider on my ceiling. Just chillaxin. Throwin' up gang signs at me. With a little mini-boom box playing "Straight Outta Compton".
Little bastard.
So I screamed and set the nozzle on my spray bottle of 99% alcohol to "kill" and sprayed his punk ass dead.
But that was too close to my bed. So I slept under my sheets last night with the window closed (noisy neighbors) and woke up with a damp pillow from sweating.
I know. Sexy, right?
Anyway I can't wait for my buddy to visit. I miss Miami.
My sister made this meme of
my mom and posted it for
every relative in the
universe. She thinks
it's funny. I think imma
punch her in the face.
Okay, ladies. The boys are distracted for a bit. Let's talk real talk.
Let's talk about period blood flow. Does your period ever flake out on you? This month, mine came a full week late. Further proof that my mother was actually right, and that my eggs really are drying up. Which means I need to pop some grandkids out within the next couple of years.
And here's another question... On the 2nd night (which is, as you know, the worst night, right?) I got home really late from work. I ate some popcorn, took a shower and passed out in my bath towel. I literally could not wake myself up enough to get up and put on a pad. I actually mumbled, "Oh, PLEASE don't mess up these sheets. I love these sheets.... ZZzzzzzzzz..."
Guess what...I woke up the next morning and...nothing.
So what does this mean, leadies? Is it physiological? Is period flow a mind-over-matter thing? Omg.
Oh, speaking of controlling our bodily functions, there's this new app called RunPee.
So you know how you go to the movies and right when the good part is starting, you have to go pee? It's a big fiasco. Well there's this sweet new app called RunPee. This app is badass, ladies. You tell the app what movie you're watching, the app syncs with the movie and then tells you the best times to go pee. Omg, right??
I supposed I could've shared the RunPee tip with the guys, but...honestly, screw the guys. They pee standing up.
Next thing: Two years ago my friends paid a male dancer to pull me on stage for my birthday. I was pissed at them - mostly humiliated that they paid for it, and he poured hot wax on me after I told him not to. I learned after that there's a special wax for kinky stuff...this wasn't it. My chest was red and sore for a while after. So I kinda lashed out at him by calling him a name. As mentioned in a previous post, I saw him again last year, and he definitely remembered me.
I saw him again two days ago at this snobby neighborhood supermarket that I usually stay away from. The customers are really snobby. Even the cashiers have attitudes. But it's the only place that sells my favorite bottle of moscato. Apparently, he lives in the neighborhood. And for whatever reason still remembers that I called him a name. Is that odd, or am I wrong? He must get insulted at least once in a while on the job.
I mean...he is short. He's like 2'4". Okay, not really.
So I apologized with more humility this time and explained that I was really angry with my friends and took my anger out on him.
Missin' N'awlins.
Then he went into this whole rant about how his new girlfriend is twice as hot as me and how she knows how "f*ckin' big" he really is.
I was standing behind him in the check out line while he continued his rampage. I was so confused. I think I might have dropped my shopping basket. lol
*shrug*
So now I feel even worse. I feel bad for calling him a name, which was childish and careless, and then for getting him all riled up again the other day. Should I have left it alone?
Speaking of strippers. ladies...Magic Mike XXL.
Two words.
Cheetos. And water.
You're welcome.
Illegal in-movie recording. #loveit
Yeah, I've seen it twice. Jealous?
If you're in the metro Detroit area, there's a new shoe store in Madison Heights that sells pretty pumps for...TEN DOLLARS!! Omg. I still managed to spend $82 there. They have men's shoes, too. I'd tell the guys but...screw the guys. They pee standing up.
Next question. Why do we have to work harder than men to be acknowledged at work? I mean REAL acknowledgement. Like pay raises or inclusion.I have 5 huge projects happening right now that I'm solely responsible for. I'm planning/executing every facet of:
employee talent show (next week)
employee lunch with the CEO (tomorrow)
employee health fair w/26 vendors (two weeks)
managers' yacht cruise for 200 managers and +1s (Monday)
...I can't even remember what else atm
All of this involves all sorts of communication, branding, posting, phone calls, triple counts, and don't even get me started on the yacht fiasco.
The only cool thing about not having time for friends is that my phone stays charged for days. Waking up to a phone on an almost full battery when you didn't charge it is like a small little win for the day. Sigh.
A coworker in another department and I report to the same exec. He's constantly in the exec's face. He'll resolve some little issue, like helping an employee fix something, and he'll spend hours in the exec's office bragging about what he did. He interrupts my meetings with the exec, he sits down at our lunch table and talks about his day. It's really obvious, and I'm not sure why the exec puts up with it.
Other than because he's a guy?
Seriously. If we did that - stalked our bosses and complained about our days - we'd be seen as whiny, moody, high-maintenance.
But my coworker? In the past year, he's received a raise, an employee recognition and a promotion.
Double standard, ladies. Seriously. Wtf.
A guy I use to be interested in had a girlfriend all along. How'd I find out? Cause I'm a stalker.
SMH. He was lying the whole time.
Well, he's a guy. So...yeah.
I can't stand my BFF's boyfriend. He's cheated on her numerous times. All of his friends are fully aware of his shenanigans. And he's sort of blatant about it.
Exhibit A
Boyfriend has a motorcycle accident and is taken to the hospital. One friend contacts my BFF, unaware that another friend has contacted the other girlfriend. Both show up at the hospital, and fireworks ensue. Boyfriend pleads with BFF to take him back, and - to my befuddlement - she does.
BFF and boyfriend go on vacay, and BFF complains to me that boyfriend texts someone else the whole time. And he only posts pictures of himself or with other tourists - not with her. Turns out he was texting the other girlfriend the whole trip and adding that he was on vacation with his buddies...not the BFF.
Exhibit C
He's been in and out of jail, he's in a gang, He has way too many guns - all illegal. He has a stupid temper.
I can't stand him. And she's well aware of that fact. She knows I want to twist his testicles into balloon animals. So she keeps us separate. Which sucks because I lose my best friend for a lot of the time.
I don't care that he's 6'2" or brags about his auto-whatever guns. I'm not afraid of him, and it only takes one second for me to go from 0 to 60 when I'm in protective mode. I'd like to say I stole that trait from my Father, but alas, it's all my mother's. She's like a little chihuahua.
But it's the BFF's life. Not mine. It's her fate to make.
Yesterday at lunch, I asked her for the hundredth time to help me understand why an insanely beautiful, strong willed, independent, smart woman like her would ever want to be bothered with this clown.
And then she gave me "the look". It's the look she gives me when she has to explain something about the world to me. Finally, she got all exasperated and said, "...because he has a big d*ck."
When you wake up in the morning in a strange bed and double-check your reflection in your phone and realize you look like a cross between Basquiat and Gojira...
Been up all night. Literally. So I got up to go pee at like 1:30am. I stumbled down the stairs and sat on the toilet and peed while scratching my belly with one eye open.
Hot, right?
So I glanced around at nothing in particular and noticed what appeared to be a teeny black ball of lint stuck to the wall under the towel. I immediately dismissed it as lint from one of my towels. Two seconds later, my brain finally woke up and I said aloud, "Wait...I don't have any black towels!"
What happened next was all slo-mo that would put John Woo to shame.
I blew at it. And it pimpwalked away. It PIMP WALKED AWAY!
It was a damn SPIDER.
I screamed loud enough that my neighbor turned on her light, I did some weird floppy dance on the toilet seat, the jar of cotton balls on the shelf fell on my head, I broke my favorite shower curtain when I used it for leverage, I jerked back because I thought all the cotton balls were spiders, so I peed all over the seat...sigh. And this all happened within maybe 5 seconds.
OMG.
What's worse, I had to pass the spot where I first spotted the spider...which, btw, had suddenly disappeared...to leave the bathroom.
OMG.
So I've spent the rest of tonight cleaning the entire house. Sweep-mop-scrub-spray-repeat. I sprayed spider spray along the base of every wall and every crevice in this house. I poured 99% ethyl alcohol into a spray bottle and sprayed the hell out of the windows..
The entire time, I've been holding this aggressive (albeit one sided) discussion with the now long-gone baby spider, repeating the same two phrases for the past 3 hours:
"Oh, no you didn't!"
and
"Don't lemme find yo azz!"
I messed up the thing that goes under the rug in the den. I threw all my downstairs closet shoes onto the patio. I'll spray them tomorrow.
I'm high as hell right now, but I'd rather die from fumes than from death by 1000 spider bites.
That's spider murder.
And, okay yeah, maybe was just a little spider. But where there's one little baby spider, there's a whole nest of his brothers and sisters not far away just waiting to find and kill your ass.
Not feeling particularly inspired to share my thoughts today, so I'll keep it clinical.
My company's employee recognition awards went really well.
Inspiration
The CEO skipped an entire section of my script. Fortunately, no one noticed. Unfortunately, the missing part was the servers' cue to parade out with the salads. So I had a full line of servers standing rather uncomfortably with heavy trays of Waldorf salads and heavy utensils resting on their shoulders, waiting for a cue that never came. Small fiasco, but that was it. The open bar was popular. Lots of selfies around the "Oscar" statue and focal points. People wanted to take their stars home with them. I hadn't considered that, so I'd thrown away the backings. The brave people chanced it and peeled the stars up from the floor and gingerly placed them in the their trunks, hoping they didn't stick to anything. I was particularly worried about the slideshow that on-clicked each employee's name onto the screen.
The CEO thanked me by name during his closing remarks. I'm not bragging, I just didn't think he knew I existed considering how I have to fight him to speak to me every morning. I got invited for drinks with the execs afterward. Unprecedented and scary. So I wasted time as much time as possible debating about it.
The "old Hollywood" theme worked really well. I don't have photos of the decor's effect once the lighting and candles were in place, but our photographer did an awesome job of capturing everything. It really was beautiful. I'm especially proud that I stood up to the decor vendor this time. I meet with him with clear goals, concept design and a budget. He spends the entire meeting talking over me and hinting that I don't know what I'm talking about. He wouldn't even stop by to see the room once the vendors left, or answer my calls. After the event (and the CEO's public "thank you"), he was suddenly Mr. Friendly. He went from walking away at the shrimp cocktail station when I approached him to ask about a purchase order to following me around like a puppy dog and inserting himself into whatever conversations I was having with others, But I gave him no quarter for debate this time, and worked with a new decor vendor I wanted to try. And they were amazeballs. And it was about $7k cheaper, including gold-tipped roses and bedazzled rose corsages & boutonnieres for the 74 honorees. The honorees also got $1000 each and $125 gift bags.
So back to the bar thing. I limped my way down to the bar (my feet were killing me) and kind of just stood behind the tables of execs, trying to decode all the inside jokes and roastings, being mostly ignored. I was annoyed and tired and hungry (and my elbow was sore from leaning against the backs of their chairs), so I limped out to my car and finally home.
I'm glad it's over, but we have another smaller employee event next week, and then California/ Washington/ Canada at the end of next week.
So I planned/executed an employee family movie event for work. Purchased the movie, booked the venue, arranged the food & beverage & floor plan, created/posted collateral, managed electronic RSVPs, managed the staff, and tried to run from some of the most demonic, stinky, loud little demon spawn I've ever met.
I'm too tired to bullet point all those out.
At one point, I hid in the bathroom stall. No, really. Even though I didn't have any pee left.
Tomorrow I need to put finishing touches on the employee recognition awards happening next week.
I decided to do an "old Hollywood" theme, so everything will be feathers, pearls, reds, whites and blacks. I also created these cool 24x24 "walk of fame" floor clings for each award winner. Still under the $15k budget.
She's an Australian wannabe who basically stole her flow from rap goddesses Lil Kim, Missy Elliot and (most obviously) Da Brat - and copied their styles.
So the way Ice Cube's flow is smooth and earnest and real? On Iggy A, it sounds like a parody. Super super forced and exaggerated.
And why wouldn't it? Seriously....rap is all about angst.
Cuz it's hard out here, son.
Yeah, I just said that out loud in a bar and threw up a gang sign.
Okay, that's a lie. I tried to throw up the Westside gang sign, but my fingers automatically did the Vulcan salute instead.
What has she got to be angry about? She's a blue eyed blonde white Australian with butt implants and a ton of music awards.
Really?
Peep the style:
Da Brat's flow @ 0:00-1:30
Iggy's flow @ 2:15-2:30
"The Ladies". Always texting,
always popular, always entertaining.
It's high school all over again.
Why is Nick Jonas' new song so catchy? I love how throwback 80's music is popular right now. And when did Nick Jonas graduate from cheesy boy band dude to hot new solo artist?
These things trouble me.
Don't believe me? Every woman at the ice rink the other day sang along when "Jealous" played. All ages, ethnicities. Kristyl and I tried unsuccessfully to hit the high notes and scared a few people.
I brought this weighty topic to the lunch table today for the consideration of The Ladies of the The Popular Table. After much debate (mostly while texting, so they were only partly paying attention), The Committee will henceforth refers to this phenomenon as the "Justin Timberlake Blueprint".
The Justin Timberlake Blueprint
Member of popular/cheesy boy band breaks away from the group and successfully rebrands himself as a hot solo artist.
Step 1: Separate yourself from your cheesy boy band image by doing something raunchy. (aka, "the Miley Cyrus strategy").
Step 2: Your breakout hit must border the pop/r&b genres. Once played on an r&b station, you're in.
Step 3: Your breakout hit must contain lyrics that makes us feel sexy or beautiful.
Step 4: Throw in lots of high notes for the ladies to swoon over. We love it when guys hit the high notes. It's like a singer's way of saying, "I'm comfortable enough with my sexuality to hit that note."
So ordered.
TUESDAY
lol!!!
Best Triple Bitchslap Performed by a Burrito
WEDNESDAY
Forgot to post something before I left.
This year was an interesting year. I learned a whole lot more about myself...including things I really didn't want to know. I learned that I'm getting older. My body is changing, I'm growing more stubborn, and my butt is out of control.
I learned that I am fragile, but kind. I learned that humility and acts of kindness go hand-in-hand. I learned that a stranger's kind face can hide a heart of hate and destruction. And that a friend doesn't just chat with you every day, or about the easy stuff, but will be there when you want to talk about the cringe-worthy stuff. I unwillingly recognized the importance of financial stability and DIY'ing (doing it myself).
I discovered that my want for independence masks a deeper need for protection and security, and my mistrust in things/people that promise them. In a circular irony, the people that promise what I need are the very people from whom I run.
A large part of my path for 2015 is immovable. I can't escape it and therefore I have to accept it and embrace it. I have to consider it when making my resolutions. I resolve to be more patient. I vow to buy fewer pairs of shoes and way more corsets. I vow to try to watch Star Wars, geezus god...again.
I said try.
I promise to visit the spider exhibit at the Oregon Insect Zoo during my visit to Portland next month. Did I ever mention why I'm afraid of spiders? So one day I did something bad...can't remember what...and my father sat me in a closet. And I remember all these teeny little white spiders hatching from an egg somewhere on the ceiling and gliding down all around me. There had to be hundreds. I remember swatting at them and crying for my father to let me out. I could've just opened the door, but He'd told me to stay put.
So spiders in 2015.
Most importantly, I resolve to gain more humility. I need to grasp the insignificance of my place on this planet. Because I want to feel the obligation to help others without regard for my own self-perceived importance.
Ake mashite omedeto, peeps.
THURSDAY
No work today...Holiday Pay Say WHAAA!?
DAMMIT I forgot I'm salary now.
Took my cousin to 526 in Royal Oak, then we walked across the street to a spot to catch up. We ordered way too much food. Don't you hate being that one person who walks around the entire city with a carry out container like its your scraps for the rest of the week? lol
I'm addicted to photo insta effecting.
Insta effecting. That's a thing. Don't argue with me.
Currently crushing on the InstaCollage app. Not to be confused with love. Because I'm currently in love with my electric blanket. Always and forever. Yes, I know those are words to a song. I've sung them to my blanket.
Seriously. Warm it up for like 10 minutes before bedtime, and you'll swear you're sliding into heaven's pearly gates.
Even if you're a strong atheist. The blanket will convert you.
FRIDAY
I messed up a perfectly good plot of land in Second Life. It was just right two months ago. Fall forest. Then I decided to winter up. No idea why. So I'll log on to star and laugh or point or move something to the left or right or pay rent. I'm calling it a work in progress.
Erm...guess I forgot to put out
the candles before bed.
It's 5am in New Orleans. The tourists have finally gone back to their rooms for the night. Now, the locals come out to chat.
Check out this amazing view. Balcony side and courtside. The office buildings in the distance are capped with fog. Isn't it beautiful? Like a cloak for a Klingon Bird of Prey.
I fell back to sleep in my croissant before I could watch the fog dissipate.
Ever get home and you're so exhausted and angry and ready for a drink that you throw your suit jacket on the floor and trample all over it and immediately turn on the TV and don't bother changing the channel so you watch whatever's on and you unfasten your bra through your shirt and reach through one of your sleeves and yank the bra out and the snaps scratch your nipple on the way out and you fling that bastard across the room and it lands on the peace lily plant in the corner and then you collapse on the couch and wish you'd grabbed that bottle of wine and/or cupcake in the fridge on your way in?
I KNEW it!
But now? Girl, bye!
But that was too close to my bed. So I slept under my sheets last night with the window closed (noisy neighbors) and woke up with a damp pillow from sweating.
.jpg)
I screamed loud enough that my neighbor turned on her light, I did some weird floppy dance on the toilet seat, the jar of cotton balls on the shelf fell on my head, I broke my favorite shower curtain when I used it for leverage, I jerked back because I thought all the cotton balls were spiders, so I peed all over the seat...sigh. And this all happened within maybe 5 seconds.
The "old Hollywood" theme worked really well. I don't have photos of the decor's effect once the lighting and candles were in place, but our photographer did an awesome job of capturing everything. It really was beautiful. I'm especially proud that I stood up to the decor vendor this time. I meet with him with clear goals, concept design and a budget. He spends the entire meeting talking over me and hinting that I don't know what I'm talking about. He wouldn't even stop by to see the room once the vendors left, or answer my calls. After the event (and the CEO's public "thank you"), he was suddenly Mr. Friendly. He went from walking away at the shrimp cocktail station when I approached him to ask about a purchase order to following me around like a puppy dog and inserting himself into whatever conversations I was having with others, But I gave him no quarter for debate this time, and worked with a new decor vendor I wanted to try. And they were amazeballs. And it was about $7k cheaper, including gold-tipped roses and bedazzled rose corsages & boutonnieres for the 74 honorees. The honorees also got $1000 each and $125 gift bags.
I learned that I am fragile, but kind. I learned that humility and acts of kindness go hand-in-hand. I learned that a stranger's kind face can hide a heart of hate and destruction. And that a friend doesn't just chat with you every day, or about the easy stuff, but will be there when you want to talk about the cringe-worthy stuff. I unwillingly recognized the importance of financial stability and DIY'ing (doing it myself).
