5 seconds of a nervous breakdown I'll never get back.

Been up all night. Literally. So I got up to go pee at like 1:30am. I stumbled down the stairs and sat on the toilet and peed while scratching my belly with one eye open.

Hot, right?

So I glanced around at nothing in particular and noticed what appeared to be a teeny black ball of lint stuck to the wall under the towel.  I immediately dismissed it as lint from one of my towels. Two seconds later, my brain finally woke up and I said aloud, "Wait...I don't have any black towels!" 

What happened next was all slo-mo that would put John Woo to shame.

I blew at it.  And it pimpwalked away.  It PIMP WALKED AWAY!

It was a damn SPIDER.  

I screamed loud enough that my neighbor turned on her light, I did some weird floppy dance on the toilet seat, the jar of cotton balls on the shelf fell on my head, I broke my favorite shower curtain when I used it for leverage, I jerked back because I thought all the cotton balls were spiders, so I peed all over the seat...sigh. And this all happened within maybe 5 seconds.

OMG.

What's worse, I had to pass the spot where I first spotted the spider...which, btw, had suddenly disappeared...to leave the bathroom.

OMG.

So I've spent the rest of tonight cleaning the entire house. Sweep-mop-scrub-spray-repeat. I sprayed spider spray along the base of every wall and every crevice in this house.  I poured 99% ethyl alcohol into a spray bottle and sprayed the hell out of the windows.. 

The entire time, I've been holding this aggressive (albeit one sided) discussion with the now long-gone baby spider, repeating the same two phrases for the past 3 hours:

"Oh, no you didn't!"

and

"Don't lemme find yo azz!"

I messed up the thing that goes under the rug in the den. I threw all my downstairs closet shoes onto the patio. I'll spray them tomorrow.  

I'm high as hell right now, but I'd rather die from fumes than from death by 1000 spider bites.

That's spider murder.

And, okay yeah, maybe was just a little spider. But where there's one little baby spider, there's a whole nest of his brothers and sisters not far away just waiting to find and kill your ass.

It's written in the bible.

I'm going to damn bed.

. 

House Rules.