5 seconds of a nervous breakdown I'll never get back.

Been up all night. Literally. So I got up to go pee at like 1:30am. I stumbled down the stairs and sat on the toilet and peed while scratching my belly with one eye open.

Hot, right?

So I glanced around at nothing in particular and noticed what appeared to be a teeny black ball of lint stuck to the wall under the towel.  I immediately dismissed it as lint from one of my towels. Two seconds later, my brain finally woke up and I said aloud, "Wait...I don't have any black towels!" 

What happened next was all slo-mo that would put John Woo to shame.

I blew at it.  And it pimpwalked away.  It PIMP WALKED AWAY!

It was a damn SPIDER.  

I screamed loud enough that my neighbor turned on her light, I did some weird floppy dance on the toilet seat, the jar of cotton balls on the shelf fell on my head, I broke my favorite shower curtain when I used it for leverage, I jerked back because I thought all the cotton balls were spiders, so I peed all over the seat...sigh. And this all happened within maybe 5 seconds.

OMG.

What's worse, I had to pass the spot where I first spotted the spider...which, btw, had suddenly disappeared...to leave the bathroom.

OMG.

So I've spent the rest of tonight cleaning the entire house. Sweep-mop-scrub-spray-repeat. I sprayed spider spray along the base of every wall and every crevice in this house.  I poured 99% ethyl alcohol into a spray bottle and sprayed the hell out of the windows.. 

The entire time, I've been holding this aggressive (albeit one sided) discussion with the now long-gone baby spider, repeating the same two phrases for the past 3 hours:

"Oh, no you didn't!"

and

"Don't lemme find yo azz!"

I messed up the thing that goes under the rug in the den. I threw all my downstairs closet shoes onto the patio. I'll spray them tomorrow.  

I'm high as hell right now, but I'd rather die from fumes than from death by 1000 spider bites.

That's spider murder.

And, okay yeah, maybe was just a little spider. But where there's one little baby spider, there's a whole nest of his brothers and sisters not far away just waiting to find and kill your ass.

It's written in the bible.

I'm going to damn bed.

. 

House Rules.

Kotoshi

At Greektown Casino with K-Dubs. I won like $72 at a quarter machine...SCORE! A guy at the table games taught me how to play poker. 

Well, not really. I'm still confused. 

Currently, I'm eating alligator voodoo and grilled snapper at Fishbone's (New Orleans-style food) thanks to a really nice guy with (apparently) way too many casino comps on his card. There is so much food on this table. KDubs damn near demolished the plate of oysters before I could snag one.

When I look at all our pics together...the ones in my phone and on my desk, even this one from the same time last year...

Wow...we're really getting old. We've both changed so much.

I am not a Stencil.

Random thoughts here that have nothing to do with the heavy load on my mind, but needed to go somewhere. Three things that are swimming around in my brain in that way my thoughts do. Right now, it "looks" like three widescreen movies spinning around in a circular motion.  The fan belt effect again.  So I gotta get them out, and then the loop will stop.

The loop in my head.
Perfect circle courtesy Starbuck's
amazing coffee cup.

I'm very casual about relationships in the way that I can never have too many friends. And I will do whatever it takes to make you happy.  But when a more personal relationship threatens to expose my heart, I end it. It's too intense. And if I shed my decorum, things could get ugly. Even I don't know what's under all this. And possibly might put the real me on full display. So I shy away. 

I'm a storefront display. 

If you find me in Second Life, don't be afraid to say "hello".  I'm not online chasing guys. I don't even flirt in SL. If I wanted attention, I'd go out somewhere. Actually put some effort into it. I'm not lazy, and I don't have canker sores.

Okay, no, I don't actually know what canker sores are, but they sound gross.

My point is that I don't have a problem actually leaving my home to meet people.  I don't use SL to hunt for emotionally-stunted men who feign alpha stances but can't even get their own shit together let alone help guide someone else's shit. Gone are the days of pining for closeted yellow fever freaks who pretend to see more in me than just the shape of my eyes or my pedigree against the overlay of a 1920s stereotype.

I'll be building. Or at a group discussion.  Or in a whole 'nother window with SL in the background. If it's late, possibly sleeping and forgetting my mic's open.  No, really.

Say 'hello'. I'm right there. And I have nothing to hide.

So in the amount of time it took me to write all that, I forgot the third thing. But hey, and I can think again now. Sweet.

Journaled for posterity.

More Californication. Chasing a cute guy up a hill.
And failing.

WORST PICK-UP LINE EVER:
Guy: "You ladies got all your gear?"
Me: "I'll gear you."
Guy:"..."
Bff:  "Seriously?"
Me: "Shut up."

One for the Sadists

More Californication.  I have so many pics and videos that I had to make room for more.

My gf and her daughter hung out on the pier in Venice Beach while I "surfed"...heh,

Okay, it wasn't really surfing.  I rented a surfboard from a surfer guy who looks like Matthew McConaughey on crack and lied to the instructor about my vast surfing experience.

Eh, for the record, I have none.

It's a 12 min long video, but ClipStitch only allows for 10 second clips.

Here's the complete summation of the humiliating occurrence:

Clip #1: Mia paddles out with a new friend and thinks, "Meh. I'll just wing it."

Clip #2: Upon sighting the 12th giant wave approaching, Mia pees herself - I actually peed myself! - and gets knocked over like a pin.  (Yes, that's me screaming with a mouth full of water. lol)

Clip #3:  Mia says, "Oh, HELL no" and books the hell back out of the water, sees random dude smirking at her abasement, and "surfs" the last 1 inch of water before the shoreline, looks back at dude like, "I'm awesome, right?", then falls off and loses her board.



Edit 04/23/15 - The bff says it was a whistle, but I still think it was me. I screamed that loud at that precise time. Also, men are arseholes. That is all.

Canada-pocalypse.

Lost in Canada. I'll post more Californication mayhem later.  Look at my damn legs. Feel sorry for me, dammit!

 

 

 

Blue Monday

Bleh. Where's spring?

Kap'lah.

Not feeling particularly inspired to share my thoughts today, so I'll keep it clinical. 

My company's employee recognition awards went really well. 

Inspiration

The CEO skipped an entire section of my script. Fortunately, no one noticed. Unfortunately, the missing part was the servers' cue to parade out with the salads. So I had a full line of servers standing rather uncomfortably with heavy trays of Waldorf salads and heavy utensils resting on their shoulders, waiting for a cue that never came. Small fiasco, but that was it. The open bar was popular. Lots of selfies around the "Oscar" statue and focal points. People wanted to take their stars home with them. I hadn't considered that, so I'd thrown away the backings. The brave people chanced it and peeled the stars up from the floor and gingerly placed them in the their trunks, hoping they didn't stick to anything. I was particularly worried about the slideshow that on-clicked each employee's name onto the screen.

The CEO thanked me by name during his closing remarks.  I'm not bragging, I just didn't think he knew I existed considering how I have to fight him to speak to me every morning.  I got invited for drinks with the execs afterward. Unprecedented and scary. So I wasted time as much time as possible debating about it. 

The "old Hollywood" theme worked really well. I don't have photos of the decor's effect once the lighting and candles were in place, but our photographer did an awesome job of capturing everything. It really was beautiful. I'm especially proud that I stood up to the decor vendor this time. I meet with him with clear goals, concept design and a budget. He spends the entire meeting talking over me and hinting that I don't know what I'm talking about. He wouldn't even stop by to see the room once the vendors left, or answer my calls. After the event (and the CEO's public "thank you"), he was suddenly Mr. Friendly. He went from walking away at the shrimp cocktail station when I approached him to ask about a purchase order to following me around like a puppy dog and inserting himself into whatever conversations I was having with others, But I gave him no quarter for debate this time, and worked with a new decor vendor I wanted to try. And they were amazeballs. And it was about $7k cheaper, including gold-tipped roses and bedazzled rose corsages & boutonnieres for the 74 honorees. The honorees also got $1000 each and $125 gift bags.

So back to the bar thing. I limped my way down to the bar (my feet were killing me) and kind of just stood behind the tables of execs, trying to decode all the inside jokes and roastings, being mostly ignored. I was annoyed and tired and hungry (and my elbow was sore from leaning against the backs of their chairs), so I limped out to my car and finally home. 

I'm glad it's over, but we have another smaller employee event next week, and then California/ Washington/ Canada at the end of next week. 

I need a beverage.

Blessedly filtered. Sans Klingon forehead et al.

Eggs Gone Wild

Meanwhile, in my uterus...

#insubordination

#someonecallsecurity