"The dwarf lives until we find a cock merchant."

Binge watching & waiting on my flight.

Best line in a series in the history of the universe. Ever.

Seriously. It should be up there with "Frankly Scarlet, I don't give a damn."


#gameofthrones

#ihatetoday

The Final Count-doooown

This damn Geico commercial comes on every 2 minutes.

Never heard the song before, but I love it! Unfortunately, it's stuck in my mother's head, so now she's singing it. She sounds like a cracked out cat in heat.

I loooove this song! It's so 80's it hurts. So I bought it on iTunes. 

Now whenever someone's using the microwave in the break room, I run in and blast it and headbang/air guitar. If I'm feeling more chill, I'll stand in the doorway and purse my lips and do the do the coffee stir hip action thing like the lady in the blue sweater.

My coworkers hate me.

Why I'm Cool with Early Morning Meetings

#thebenefitsofpeoplewatching
#3rdmeetinginarow
#hotmessexpress
#archnemesis
#justtakeit

"LOWER yo muthaf*ckin' voice!"

LOL





Best part: Humiliated guy in the lower left corner shaking his head at 1:33



#BFFdrama

#IllJustTakeTheNote

#MeanwhileInTheHood

#lmmfao

#deadrightnow

Murrkah.

Photo courtesy Phoebe's ball & chain.

It's officially Memorial Day, peeps. Time to wander over to random neighbors' and friends' houses and steal all their barbecue.

I'm going to need the local television stations to stop showing this commercial between newscasts.  It's making me cry.

From Art Van.  Who knew? Super clever and touching.

If this commercial doesn't make you sob like a baby, you're dead to me.

Dammit, Art Van.

#yourcountryismycountrysbitch

#americameansasswhuppers

WOOT @ Friday!!



Been writing short stories at work. Really violent ones. This latest one is about a little girl who was raised by a sex trafficking drug cartel and grows up to do heinous things. Rodriguez/Tarantino-esque things.

And then, I had that dream again last night. Where I'm driving in my car on the freeway, and there's a van in front of me, with a little girl who looks like me banging on the back windows, begging me to help her escape.

Also, is it mean to eat lunch at my desk with my door closed these days? I'm too tired for all the chatter at lunch. And while I really love that people from all departments come to sit with me and harass me about one thing or another - which turns my empty table into the popular table - I think I'm people'd out.




So Ordered

 

So we were talking about how if you're super late, you may have to forego a full shower and take a "Whore's Bath". For visitors not in the know (and guys), a "Whore's Bath" is what you take when you don't have time for the real thing. You may be late for an appointment, or just lazy. (Urban Dictionary's version here.) So you substitute standing at the sink and washing the important body parts for an actual shower. 

This sparked a debate about the variations of a Whore's Bath. Specifically, what constitutes a Whore's Bath? What are the parameters? For instance, what if you don't have any water? What if it's a really fancy bathroom? The scope of the matter, if you will. Heh.

Therefore, we, the Bathing Committee, have proposed and agreed upon the following terms and titles as they pertain to bathroom hygiene:

 

Swipe and Wipe

Moniker for "Whore's Bath", i.e., the act of washing oneself without the use or benefit of a continual stream of water (shower or bath), typically using a bathroom sink, requiring yoga-loke poses to complete the task. 

French Whore's Bath

Foregoing the razor & shaving cream during a wash up, even if it's direly needed.

Hooker's Bath

Washing up using the sink in the room of a pay-per-hour motel room's bathroom. 

Skank's Bath

Washing up using wet wipes.

8 Mile Road Bath

Using whiskey or vodka to clean your bullet wounds. 

 

Skeevy Bath

Using another person's washcloth to wash up.

 

Call Girl's Bath

Washing up using upscale bath products; washing up while using the shower steam to unwrinkle your dress; washing up in a bathroom with a bidet. 

 

The Morning After Bath

Washing up and then putting on makeup to pretend that you always look that way.

 

I Just Slept with a Murderer Bath

Running the shower while trying to exit via the bathroom window.

 

So it is ordered; so shall it be done.





Lunch with The Ladies (i.e., "The Popular Table")



 

Best Orchestral Performance...EVER.

Done.








Also, best comments ever...

R Bee via Google+

I can officially call it a day .. The internet wins .. 

 

 

Roosevelt Nickelberry

Lighten up you maladroit, sanctimonious nincompoop...This was all done in fun and the string section was dope.

Does your Man have "Yellow Fever"?

Do you suspect your partner of having "Yellow Fever"? Does he "only date Asian chicks", and refer to us as "the hottest women in the world"? He may have Yellow Fever.

Here's how urbandictionary.com describes "yellow fever":  A term usually applied to white males who have a clear sexual preference for women of asian descent...

That's the nice version.  Here's my own definition:  Yellow fever is the act of some clown...typically an agendaless beta male who can't exert himself outside of the world of anime and jpop...who is solely attracted to women of a specific or random Asian ethnicity based on old skool stereotypes and self-perceived importance. His charismatic deception makes you think you're an individual to him, but you're really just a tiny, broken-English speaking, nail buffing, super quiet in bed baby-maker.

Below are the symptoms of Yellow Fever. Add the points up truthfully, and then check the score card at the bottom.

1. Does your boyfriend refer to you as "oriental"? Does he think you're a rug?

+/-   5 points

2. Does he refer to his penis as "Godzilla"?

+/-   5 points

 

3. Is he a Republican?

+/-   500 points

4. Does he like Star Wars?

+/-   20 points

5. Does he have an insatiable appetite for all things "oriental" (i.e., cultural studies, learning kanji, etc.), because he thinks it makes you-so-horny?

+/-   5 points

6. Does he get a woody at the thought of living amongst the huge Chinese population in Toronto?

+/-   5 points

7. Does he froth at the mouth at the thought of you dressing as Sailor Moon for Halloween?

+/-   5 Points

8. Is he a huge fan of "Transporter"-type movies (white guy saves sweet, innocent, subservient AF from the big bad men)?

+/-   5 Points

9. When you first met him, did he use any of the following phrases: "I love oriental women", "sucky sucky", "but your eyes aren't that squinty"?

+/-   5 Points


10. Did he date an AF before you, and then (while you were in the aftermath of a massive damn earthquake in Japan and frantically searching for your family members, and called him incessantly) avoided you for months, and then (when you came home and tried to reconnect, he'd already) traded up for a shiny new AF?

+/-  500,000 Points

So, how'd you do?

0 points: Does he have a single brother?

10 points: Eh, you're cool.

20 points: Aww, I wanna pinch his little cheeks.

30 points: Okay, wait...

500,000 points: Run. Run fast.


This post is for Iram, who dared me to write a Cosmo-style sex & romance quiz. This is a lighter take on Yellow Fever. For a more serious discussion, check out Mishfish13's blog post. Preach on, sistah.

http://mishfish13.com/dating-2/why-yellow-fever-is-not-ok/

Seriously, folks. It's okay to date anyone of any race. I've never dated an Asian man. Not that I've had 100 dates. But I don't actively seek out men of a specific race. Because doing so would mean I think something's wrong with all the others. And that's just dumb.

LMBO

THAT LOOK YOU GIVE...

...WHEN THE SKANK WHO SLEPT WITH YOUR MAN

CRASHES YOUR PARTY IN A DAMNED HOOCHIE DRESS...

 

 

I'm dying. I literally fell off the bed laughing. LOL

 

 

 

 

 

12 Steps to my Bed

Krystal and her boobs are spending the night with me because she's a drunkard and I live closest to the bar. lol

She just threatened to take my electric blanket.  This may get ugly.

.

Why I'm Team Coco.

We're gonna put his head on a stick!! A motherf***ing STICK!"



#weedspot
#sellinass
#justthetip 
#brownpaperbag

Stop it.

Okay. Yes, this commercial comes on like every 2 minutes. But can everyone PLEEASE stop saying "S'up, gurrl?" when they walk by my desk?

Stop it!

Twerking Dog

Way more rhythm than me.

Iyashii

Japanese ESL chef prefers Chinese coworker's assistance with survey language over my translation.  News at 11 on the AMD network ("America's Most Dissed"). 

#baka

家族性

I'm Facebook-stalking my mom until she speaks to me.  She posted family photos for a comparison game. 

I don't see it. 



My father holding me - versus - me holding my nephew.



 

Life of the Party

Can coupledom really be this awesome? That's what I want when I grow up and have to get married.

They're so funny.  I can't stop laughing.  They have to be the life of every party they attend.

I seriously can't stop laughing.

#greatestcoupleaward

Working Late

My coworkers think they're funny.