Band-aids don't fix bullet holes.

This song is for the coward who abandoned me when I needed him most. After all this time, I still can't believe I trusted you implicitly.

I was just going to post a few lines, but I couldn't find a specific set of lyrics that are more apropos than another. Every single line describes exactly how I feel.

This song is for you.

Asshole.

It's definitely this city.

Aimlessly wandered Bourbon Street in an attempt to try all the popular "take out" drinks and collect all the cool cups. A cute and funny and charming and quite persuasive Irishman wouldn't give me back my phone until I agreed to have breakfast with him. 

Thank goodness for filters.
*Courtyard
*Wacky bed decor
*Room service
*Ominous streets...my fave!
*Remnants of hand grenade/diner

It was circa "North by Northwest" charming. 

I'd had 2 hurricanes and a hand grenade (bestest drink ever!) at that point, so the teeny local diner on the next corner with all of 3 tables did just the trick.

He looks more Italianish than Irishish. Actually, he looks exactly like the actor in Age of Adeline (great movie, btw). He has that manly scruff and the super thick longish hair that looks like a silk sheet. It's sort of uncanny. 

I'm calling him O'Brian.

And he has the boyish nervousness of a guy who doesn't have something scripted to say to a woman. He was unsure how to take charge of the conversation. And his inquiries were hesitant. It's beyond refreshing. And I'll bet the technique has garnered him a gaggle of thots. 

Or maybe it's this city.

I'm not gonna lie. At 1am, there are lots of flirty guys around with alcohol-induced courage, armored with a variety of pick up lines.  I would think that a woman walking alone in New Orleans would mean that there's something wrong with her. But apparently, it only means she's been separated from the protection of her pride.

But O'Brien's kind of concentrated "I see beyond the fact that you have a vajayjay and you smell clean" focus and affected obsession works for me.

Or maybe it's this city.

He does have really nice lips.

And in the whole 4 hours, not one "I've dated (and/or love) Asian women" reference.  

However, he had no idea who Jean Luc Picard is.

Sigh. Some things just can't be taught.

Damned city. They let anyone in.

Side note: A dude wearing a Star Wars t-shirt told me to come over and touch his lightsaber. Probably his 20th attempt to be clever that night. I told him I'd like to borrow it so I could shove it up his ass and watch it light up.  His buddies were still teasing him by the end of the block. 

Canada-pocalypse.

Lost in Canada. I'll post more Californication mayhem later.  Look at my damn legs. Feel sorry for me, dammit!

 

 

 

50 Shades of Ow

Had a dream last night that I was staying in a hotel room with a little yellow tabby cat. And I couldn't find anything to feed him, or a plate for water. Then I dug a chunk of salmon out of the garbage for him.  That was all. Just random.

Phoebs swore a 3rd trip would relax me.
Remind me to punch her in the ovaries.

I got punked, yo.

 

 #humiliationwithoutexplanation
lol

 

I'm in the hood, yo! Chillimaxin' at Kristyl's crib.

Chili + maxin. Just made that up. I'm awesome.

I had to post a photo of me getting punked, but we never agreed to me explaining it. So nyah.

Her neighbor on the left shoots his gun randomly out of his back room window for no reason. The neighbors on the other side are cooking the best smelling bbq ever. They've been out there for hours! There are like 50 people on the porch. And its a small porch!

 

God, I miss living in Detroit.

That's it. I'm going over.

 

 

Does your Man have "Yellow Fever"?

Do you suspect your partner of having "Yellow Fever"? Does he "only date Asian chicks", and refer to us as "the hottest women in the world"? He may have Yellow Fever.

Here's how urbandictionary.com describes "yellow fever":  A term usually applied to white males who have a clear sexual preference for women of asian descent...

That's the nice version.  Here's my own definition:  Yellow fever is the act of some clown...typically an agendaless beta male who can't exert himself outside of the world of anime and jpop...who is solely attracted to women of a specific or random Asian ethnicity based on old skool stereotypes and self-perceived importance. His charismatic deception makes you think you're an individual to him, but you're really just a tiny, broken-English speaking, nail buffing, super quiet in bed baby-maker.

Below are the symptoms of Yellow Fever. Add the points up truthfully, and then check the score card at the bottom.

1. Does your boyfriend refer to you as "oriental"? Does he think you're a rug?

+/-   5 points

2. Does he refer to his penis as "Godzilla"?

+/-   5 points

 

3. Is he a Republican?

+/-   500 points

4. Does he like Star Wars?

+/-   20 points

5. Does he have an insatiable appetite for all things "oriental" (i.e., cultural studies, learning kanji, etc.), because he thinks it makes you-so-horny?

+/-   5 points

6. Does he get a woody at the thought of living amongst the huge Chinese population in Toronto?

+/-   5 points

7. Does he froth at the mouth at the thought of you dressing as Sailor Moon for Halloween?

+/-   5 Points

8. Is he a huge fan of "Transporter"-type movies (white guy saves sweet, innocent, subservient AF from the big bad men)?

+/-   5 Points

9. When you first met him, did he use any of the following phrases: "I love oriental women", "sucky sucky", "but your eyes aren't that squinty"?

+/-   5 Points


10. Did he date an AF before you, and then (while you were in the aftermath of a massive damn earthquake in Japan and frantically searching for your family members, and called him incessantly) avoided you for months, and then (when you came home and tried to reconnect, he'd already) traded up for a shiny new AF?

+/-  500,000 Points

So, how'd you do?

0 points: Does he have a single brother?

10 points: Eh, you're cool.

20 points: Aww, I wanna pinch his little cheeks.

30 points: Okay, wait...

500,000 points: Run. Run fast.


This post is for Iram, who dared me to write a Cosmo-style sex & romance quiz. This is a lighter take on Yellow Fever. For a more serious discussion, check out Mishfish13's blog post. Preach on, sistah.

http://mishfish13.com/dating-2/why-yellow-fever-is-not-ok/

Seriously, folks. It's okay to date anyone of any race. I've never dated an Asian man. Not that I've had 100 dates. But I don't actively seek out men of a specific race. Because doing so would mean I think something's wrong with all the others. And that's just dumb.

Neighbor Approved

I'm thinking of starting a YouTube channel called "Neighbor Approved". So the premise is that I'd cook a meal, and my neighbor would approve it or hate it.  My neighbor loves cooking shows, so she lit up at the idea. It'll take some persuasion to get her in front of a camera.

 

This was just a test run. Got a LOT of technical stuff to work out...

 

Better webcam, timing, checking stock, cleaning the workspace, script.

It might be a fun challenge. And my neighbor clearly loves the idea of judging dishes.

Yaa, Mom, I know it's on the wrong side. But the pat of rice went on the plate anyway. Also, Doddee's chopsticks. All mine. :p

 

 

 

 

By the way, iPad, Kindle, Galaxy and iPhone users are never able to view videos in this format. Go figure.

 

 

 Edited 04.07.14 for brevity, file reduction.

 

 

 

 

Yay, Valentine's Day!

I *love* Valentine's Day. 

lol 

#renege

Week in Review

Two chicks practically dry-humping the Adam Levine poster for his clothing line in KMart. KMart, btw, like a madhouse.

So Adam Levine.  Sexiest man of 2013. Well, he's definitely dreamy in that "drummer downstairs who only dates supermodels" sort of way. But sexiest man alive? Might be stretching it. He seems very charming. Maybe that's why.

I've changed the blog photo on the right column of this blog. The original photo was me at my 2nd birthday party with cake all over my face, and a lollipop.  A visitor informed me that the photo was sexually suggestive.

I don't even know what to say to that.

But I removed it.

It's now a random video of me whining about the freezing water like a crazy person near my parents' home. Grown up.  I'll find something goofier when I have more time.

Bey's new album dropped this weekend. Pretty slick not leaking it. The fact that she not only finished the album, but had help from some seriously talented performers and finished all the videos on the low shows just how well-kept a secret it was.

She made $8 gazillion in the first few hours, which includes my $16.  Some are better than others, but they're all really, really good. 14,000 five-star reviews can't be wrong. Even haters can't deny that.

My favorite so far is "Haunted". The song has a smooth groove, and the video pays homage to Madonna's "Justify my Love" era.

First of the three employee parties starts tomorrow. I start at 7am so I can meet up with the décor company and Santa & his crew.  And hopefully avert any fiascos. I already foresee one with employees redistributing/selling tickets.  I'll have security with me, though...so BOUNCE, FOOLS!

 

The second employee party is on Wednesday, but the big one happens on Thursday. That's the one that makes me nervous. There's a moment where the mood has to shift from "romantic dinner" to "New York nightclub", and if the lighting and the queue and the two DJs on the screens doesn't all happen at the exact same moment....I'm doomed.

 

Saw this stunning crazy beautiful dress last week and stood there staring at it for maybe five minutes before the sales lady laughed at me and asked if I wanted a glass of water. I think I cried. It's so beautiful. I could never afford it. But I would absolutely consider selling a limb for it. 

 

My new coworkers and I have decided that our shoe shopping obsession correlates directly to a specific point in our menstrual cycles. It actually makes sense! We're calling it "shoe rage".

 

Check it.  One week after, we're obsessed with shoes for 2-3 days. We can't turn a good shoe deal down. And our taste differs during different cycle periods. If its during "shoe rage", you'll choose higher heels and sexier styles. There's another point a few days before ovulation begins. We didn't name that one, so I'll call it The Cool Down. You're only interested in flats and babydolls during TCD.

 

So, how 'bout this hypothesis-ness...the Luteal phase (i.e., "Shoe Rage") happens after menstruation. We ("we" = our girly parts) know that we didn't get pregnant, so we start the whole cycle again. The sexy heels are our unconscious attempt to make ourselves more visually pleasing (I also wear more makeup!), thereby luring our victims into impregnating us.

During the Follicular phase (or "The Cool Down", as the cool kids call it), our bodies get all hyped up and snobby and all, "Aww, yeah! There's about to be a baby all up in here!", so the desire for attractive stuff goes way down. We want comfortable clothes because, well, pffh!...by then, we've already nabbed our victim.

It's kinda gross, but BLAM! *throws the microphone down and walks off the stage*

I'm all brained out n' stuff.

Wow..hellooo, random phone files.









 

 

 

Week in Review

27-year old former child star Frankie Muniz has suffered a mini-stroke. He says he isn't a drug user and takes decent care of his body. (Although...lotta drama.)

I recently confessed to suffering a mini-stroke, as well.  Like Muniz, I'm not a druggie, and I generally eat pretty wisely. (Except for my foodie attack as of late.)  And, like Munez, stress seemed to be the culprit. For me, some was work-related. Most of my stress was family/quake-related. Before that, I'd experienced a bout of Bells Palsy (the one where the side of your face goes all slack), also stress-induced.

Mini-strokes are more common than you think among members of our age group (30-45). We have all sorts of new responsibilities and concerns, and we handle them so differently than our parents did when they were our age. No one in my parents' families have ever divorced. Marriages today last what...5 years tops? We're like new fiberglass cars vs. the old big boat steel cars.  We just aren't made the same.

If you do visit the link posted above, please check out the links provided at the bottom.  You really could save someone's life just by paying attention to the signs.

On the Holiday...Really? Was I the ONLY person in The States working the day after Thanksgiving??

I spent some of the holiday visiting friends in Ontario, Canada.

Remember the pink lemonade cookies?  YES. I bought more.

I saw a commercial for an app called Credit Karma and decided to try it. Credit Karma is a free phone app that monitors your credit and gives you status updates.  Given the sensitive/confidential nature of the program, I wanted to try it for a while before giving it a recommend. 

The app keeps you updated on your credit score - and all its gory details  - and gives you real time "credit report cards" and your credit history. It also free (good) advice and tips on improving your credit. 

Thumbs up from me. You'll need to enter your personal information after the install, but you won't be asked to enter it again. And the app will never ask for your credit card or financial info.

The Swedes have created a radical new drug program.  Clinics in Switzerland now give actual doses of heroin to heroin addicts. The reasoning is that an addict can learn to control his impulse to use if he uses in a controlled environment.

The decriminalization of drugs in other countries has been linked to a significant drop in new reported cases of HIV.

Latin Americans are considering adopting a similar program to stamp out drug-related murders, kidnappings and overcrowded prisons.

Not sure what I think about that. I suppose that, if I knew when and where I'd get my next dose, it would stop me from doing something horrible to get the money to buy it.  But then, if I knew when and where I'd get my next dose, I'd never gain the will to break the habit.

  

On Paying it Forward... PIF means that you perform an act of kindness without accepting anything in return. The person you've assisted then pays it "forward" by helping the next person instead of paying you for what you've done. 

Pretty cheesy, huh?  Yeah, I thought so, too.  Until I actually acted upon it.  Turns out, its an exceptionally rewarding act.  And now I can't get enough. I'm addicted.

It goes like this. A while ago, my old boss gave me something of value that she no longer wanted, because she knew I would appreciate having it.  I practically begged her to let me pay her for it, but she instructed me to "pay it forward" instead.  I sort of rolled my eyes and agreed to do it.

I didn't think much more about it until an opportunity to carry it out presented itself a few weeks later. In a Laundromat of all places, back when my grandmother was still around. I was tired of carting all my stuff back to my car. I gave my bag of change (about $13, I think) and the rest of the box of laundry detergent to an older man walking in.  He hugged me and cried a little and told me that he really needed it.

And that, folks, is how it works. You do something of worth for someone. If they're human, they'll ask if they can repay you. You tell them to "pay it forward".  It's the greatest high.

I pay the bill for the person behind me at the Starbuck's drive-thru. That would be an easy way to get started.

My favorite pink sheets have turned sort of "pastel-y" after a few too many washes.  Speaking of that, I recently purchased an electric blanket, and oh...mah...gah.  On a cold night? Slide your feeties under the blanket, and you'll probably pass out from sheer pleasure. ("Pleasure" said in your best Pinhead voice.)

You can probably catch electric blankets on sale. This one has an automatic shut-off function, but I turn it off and unplug it in the morning, anyway.  You won't need to go any higher than 5 (or whatever the middle is), and you won't need to bundle up with clothes or additional blankets. 

The Boys in IT continue to do horrible things to my robot.  After the last ransom note with a photo of Robot stuck in my coworker's headband, I stormed up to the IT office, punched Brad in the arm and snatched my robot from his shirt pocket thing. 

Btw, it takes 2 Help Desk calls and a drive-by to get you to reset my password, but you've already decorated the IT office?

REALLY?

I caught Mike Epps' performance at the Fox Theater last week. I went alone. I sat between two couples on dates, in the front row up top. The woman on my right had the greatest laugh ever.

The section in front of my row was a high-traffic area, and it was literally like watching a fashion runway marathon. Beautiful women with perfect hair and nails and dresses and shoes...and they knew it! It was a show within a show.  Mike Epps is insanely funny. I cried my makeup off from laughing so hard. He loves Detroit, partly because we treat him pretty frickin well. (I know stuff because he stayed at our hotel. :)

I wanted to meet him after the show, but I was too cheap to shell out another $50 for a photo. I wanted to ask him why he decided to come to town on the same night as the Star Trek marathon. 

I transfer to a new department/ position on Monday. I didn't write much about it here. After my last class, I pulled up Selena Gomez and danced. No one caught me, except the surveillance cameras in the room. Which, now that I think about it, probably explains surveillance operators' snickers today.

I signed my offer letter a couple of weeks ago. The only people who knew before today were people that a huge gossiper in HR told. Just what feels like a natural career progression for me. I've pretty much been doing the new job for a while now already. The title change just gives me the acknowledgement. :)  Otherwise, not a huge deal. Although I'm already bragging about getting two computer monitors in place of one.  Count'em..TWO! I'm ballin'.

Here's more from Mike Epps show. Part of a long bit about sex & marriage.   NSFW.

Dead Your damn self.

Okay, that's my third and final attempt to win the weekly Dead Yourself contest.  sigh.

 

It's a cool Facebook app, though. Except all of my Facebook peeps are family, so bleh.

 

When will they do another "Win a Walk On Walker Role"?

Check it. The winner gets:

Prize: One (1) Grand Prize Winner and their guest (who must also be 18 years or older as of July 7, 2012) will be flown out (round trip) via an airline carrier of the Sponsor's sole choosing to Atlanta, Georgia where the Grand Prize winner (only) will have a walk on role as a "zombie" on an upcoming episode of The Walking Dead (to take place sometime in 2013, date to be determined). The Grand Prize winner's guest may accompany him or her to the set, but will not participate (in any capacity) with the walk on role. In addition, the Grand Prize Winner will receive 3 nights / 4 days stay at a hotel (location and hotel to be determined), ground transportation to and from the airport and, to and from the set, and $500 in cash or check.

Me want win!

 



 

 

 

 

 

 

Chaste

So a guy goes in to a gay bar to use the men's room. A few minutes later, he comes running out of the bar with a roll of toilet paper hanging from the back of his pants. A cop stops him and goes, "Hey. There's a roll of toilet paper dangling from your pants."  The guy looks back at his butt and pulls the roll from his pants and goes, "Oh thank goodness. I thought I was being chaste by a bear."