Shaaarkk!

Um...excuse the interruption, sir, but I believe there's a shark on your head.

hehhhehheh

SHARK WEEK!!!

On Decisions

I just got invited to the Rolling Stones concert at Comerica Park tonight. 

But it's Shark Week. 

And the "Bride of Jaws" doc comes on tonight. 

And I know nothing about The Rolling Stones. 

Except that the lead singer guy did a funny skit with Jimmy Fallon on SNL. 

Wait. They sing the "start me up" song, right? They play it in like every commercial in the universe. 

And he dances funny. 

But any event at Comerica is bound to be awe-inspiring. 

Decisions, decisions. 

What would you do?

#1stworldproblems

Last Comerica Park.

OMFG It's Shark Week, bitches!

I'm stuck to my couch like a mako on a school of tuna. 

And I'm going all Polaris attack and breaching this leftover birthday cake I found in the fridge. 

#SeeWhatIDidThere

Last Shark Week

I wanna swim with sharks.





. 

Nothing Interesting to Report

I'm chillin' at Kristyl's place for the weekend.

I've lost 1.5 of my 3 excess pounds so far.

Gonna check out Flower Day on Sunday. Honestly, I just don't feel like gardening anymore. I was maintaining the garden out of respect for my grandmother, but I think I'm just going to hire a landscaper this time.

Oh, filters. Blessed be.

The people who go to the annual Flower Day are crazy stepford wives on crack. Seriously. Those women are crazy. It's like they've been pacing around in their living rooms all year waiting for this one day to come. And don't even dare get between a Flower Day wife and a vibrant bundle of impatiens...if you do, just stab yourself in the neck and get it over with.

And the poor husbands. In their khaki shorts and their pink polo shirts and their horrible long white socks tucked into their jesus sandals, holding their wives' purses and pretending to care which hue of pink goes best with the house and tugging their broken little red wagons full of half-dead annuals.

It's so sad.

You simply have not lived until you've heard my mother say, "Girl, bye."

Went to the Metro Times Best of Detroit event tonight. They had these cool indoor local food and wine vendor booths with way too much food. Some trollop wore the same dress I did, only in a different color. I should've punched her in the testicles.

Rihanna got to swim with sharks for a photo shoot. I think I cried when I saw that on ET. The #1 thing on my bucket list.  I wanna swim alongside at least 1 great white just once in my lifetime. I watched a documentary where a scientist said that, as long as you're facing them, they treat you with respect.  You're not officially "prey" until you lose the eye contact.  Apparently, the largest group of great whites can be found off the southern African coast. They're so smart and mysterious and beautiful.  Don't you think?

I saw Ex Machina. It was so clever and good. Okay, it was actually so good that it made me wish I was smarter Nice surprise ending, also. And it's the real kind of sci-fi. "Real" = actual possible future (like Trek)...not a cheesy implausible future like Star Wars.

That's it. I got nothin.

Enough with the Heavy

It's "Shark Week" on Discovery. Woot! I cannot believe my mother gave all my shark books away when I was little. I could be a sharkologist by now.

Sharkologist.  It's a word. You're welcome.

Cute little guy. He was obviously not hunting the swimmer.
 He was being curious. I wanna squeeze his cheeks.
The narrator guy was all, "Uh oh. Uh oh. Uh oh." 

And the shark was like, "I know, right?"
(Full story here.)

I've never seen a real one. Or whale shark. Or whale anything. I wonder how massive a whale's tail really is in real life. Whenever I YouTube search "whale tail", I get girls in thongs. Sigh. (Coincidentally, how come when I search for the trailer for "Hunger Games/Mockingjay", I get the "50 Shades of Grey" trailer?)

Is it weird that I want to swim with them? Sharks, not girls in thongs.  Great whites are majestic and beautiful predators. Tiger sharks are powerful and clever. That part at the end of Open Water, when the chick's husband dies from jellyfish stings and the shark bite, and she just kind of gives up and all the sharks are hovering around her? Best scene ever.

Did you know that hammerheads are the only species of shark that are completely unafraid of humans? I didn't either. Also, they can grow up to 20 feet - larger than most great whites. That's crazy. Just learned it.

But the scream.

It is amazing how folks get all huffy from shark attacks after invading the shark's space and destroying their 'hoods. Maybe if we stopped paddling in the middle of nowhere on giant boogie boards and trying to look like cute little excited baby seals, sharks wouldn't think we were the #2 combo meal.



Lesson learned:
If it takes you 37 minutes to find your favorite mascara,
it may be time to toss some stuff.

Also, sharks don't even like the way we taste. We are, apparently, not soft and succulent enough for their tastes. So moisturize all you want, Australians. (Why Australians? Because, if my count is correct, 99.999997% of the people interviewed about their near death shark attacks in the last 5 hours have been Australian. Crazy Aussie folks see sharks and still jump in and start barking like a seal.)

Sharks are what spiders so wished they could be when they grow up.

Speaking of spiders, there's a giant spider on my living room wall. I just sprayed my "spider concoction" (bleach/alcohol/dish soap) on him, and he literally laughed at me and walked away.  Seriously!

That was two hours ago.  If I go back down there and he's still chillin' on the wall, I'm moving out until he leaves.

#spidersarethenationsnumberonekillers

I'm a sauropod!

So, you know how sometimes you're taking a bath, and you'll turn over onto your stomach to stretch, or to prop or head so you can fall asleep or check the wall for spiders or because you feel like reenacting Open Water so you're pretending there's a shark in the bathtub?

Okay so when you're in the process of turning over, do you ever notice how emphasized and gargantuan your leg looks?  I don't know if it's the soap suds or what. Okay, fine. Maybe its my damn five extra pounds to blame. But the part of my leg between my hip and my knee looks like it belongs on Fred Flintstone's dinner plate.

No more pizza.  This is disgusting.