For the Ladies.

Okay, this post is for women only. It's going to get really girly, and probably a lot gross. 

So if you have a penis, please find the illuminated exit signs to the left, the right and the rear of this post.

Exit left: Yahoo Sports

Exit right: Hey, look...BOOBIES! (nsfw)

Exit rear: Mmm...bacon.

My sister made this meme of
my mom and posted it for
every relative in the
universe. She thinks
it's funny. I think imma
punch her in the face.

Okay, ladies. The boys are distracted for a bit.  Let's talk real talk.

Let's talk about period blood flow.  Does your period ever flake out on you? This month, mine came a full week late. Further proof that my mother was actually right, and that my eggs really are drying up. Which means I need to pop some grandkids out within the next couple of years.

And here's another question... On the 2nd night (which is, as you know, the worst night, right?) I got home really late from work. I ate some popcorn, took a shower and passed out in my bath towel. I literally could not wake myself up enough to get up and put on a pad. I actually mumbled, "Oh, PLEASE don't mess up these sheets. I love these sheets.... ZZzzzzzzzz..."

Guess what...I woke up the next morning and...nothing.

From Clarifications

IKR!?

Not one drop.  Not even on me!

ON THE SECOND NIGHT!

So what does this mean, leadies? Is it physiological? Is period flow a mind-over-matter thing?  Omg.

Oh, speaking of controlling our bodily functions, there's this new app called RunPee.

So you know how you go to the movies and right when the good part is starting, you have to go pee? It's a big fiasco. Well there's this sweet new app called RunPee. This app is badass, ladies. You tell the app what movie you're watching, the app syncs with the movie and then tells you the best times to go pee. Omg, right??

From RunPee.com

I supposed I could've shared the RunPee tip with the guys, but...honestly, screw the guys.  They pee standing up.

Next thing: Two years ago my friends paid a male dancer to pull me on stage for my birthday. I was pissed at them - mostly humiliated that they paid for it, and he poured hot wax on me after I told him not to. I learned after that there's a special wax for kinky stuff...this wasn't it. My chest was red and sore for a while after. So I kinda lashed out at him by calling him a name. As mentioned in a previous post, I saw him again last year, and he definitely remembered me.

From OMG what's happening right now

I saw him again two days ago at this snobby neighborhood supermarket that I usually stay away from. The customers are really snobby. Even the cashiers have attitudes. But it's the only place that sells my favorite bottle of moscato. Apparently, he lives in the neighborhood. And for whatever reason still remembers that I called him a name. Is that odd, or am I wrong? He must get insulted at least once in a while on the job.

I mean...he is short. He's like 2'4".  Okay, not really.

So I apologized with more humility this time and explained that I was really angry with my friends and took my anger out on him.

Missin' N'awlins.

Then he went into this whole rant about how his new girlfriend is twice as hot as me and how she knows how "f*ckin' big" he really is.

I was standing behind him in the check out line while he continued his rampage. I was so confused. I think I might have dropped my shopping basket. lol

*shrug*

So now I feel even worse. I feel bad for calling him a name, which was childish and careless, and then for getting him all riled up again the other day.  Should I have left it alone?

Speaking of strippers. ladies...Magic Mike XXL.

Two words.

Cheetos. And water.

You're welcome.

Illegal in-movie recording. #loveit

Yeah, I've seen it twice.  Jealous?

If you're in the metro Detroit area, there's a new shoe store in Madison Heights that sells pretty pumps for...TEN DOLLARS!! Omg. I still managed to spend $82 there. They have men's shoes, too. I'd tell the guys but...screw the guys. They pee standing up.

Next question. Why do we have to work harder than men to be acknowledged at work?  I mean REAL acknowledgement. Like pay raises or inclusion.I have 5 huge projects happening right now that I'm solely responsible for. I'm planning/executing every facet of:

• employee talent show (next week)
• employee lunch with the CEO (tomorrow)
• employee health fair w/26 vendors (two weeks)
• managers' yacht cruise for 200 managers and +1s (Monday)
• ...I can't even remember what else atm

All of this involves all sorts of communication, branding, posting, phone calls, triple counts, and don't even get me started on the yacht fiasco.

The only cool thing about not having time for friends is that my phone stays charged for days. Waking up to a phone on an almost full battery when you didn't charge it is like a small little win for the day. Sigh.

A coworker in another department and I report to the same exec. He's constantly in the exec's face. He'll resolve some little issue, like helping an employee fix something, and he'll spend hours in the exec's office bragging about what he did. He interrupts my meetings with the exec, he sits down at our lunch table and talks about his day. It's really obvious, and I'm not sure why the exec puts up with it.

Other than because he's a guy?

Seriously. If we did that - stalked our bosses and complained about our days - we'd be seen as whiny, moody, high-maintenance.

But my coworker?  In the past year, he's received a raise, an employee recognition and a promotion.

Double standard, ladies.  Seriously. Wtf.

A guy I use to be interested in had a girlfriend all along.  How'd I find out? Cause I'm a stalker. 

SMH.  He was lying the whole time.

Well, he's a guy.  So...yeah.

I can't stand my BFF's boyfriend. He's cheated on her numerous times. All of his friends are fully aware of his shenanigans. And he's sort of blatant about it.

Exhibit A 

Boyfriend has a motorcycle accident and is taken to the hospital. One friend contacts my BFF, unaware that another friend has contacted the other girlfriend. Both show up at the hospital, and fireworks ensue. Boyfriend pleads with BFF to take him back, and - to my befuddlement - she does. 

From 300: Rise, bitches.

Exhibit B

BFF and boyfriend go on vacay, and BFF complains to me that boyfriend texts someone else the whole time. And he only posts pictures of himself or with other tourists - not with her. Turns out he was texting the other girlfriend the whole trip and adding that he was on vacation with his buddies...not the BFF.

Exhibit C

He's been in and out of jail, he's in a gang, He has way too many guns - all illegal. He has a stupid temper.

I can't stand him. And she's well aware of that fact.  She knows I want to twist his testicles into balloon animals. So she keeps us separate. Which sucks because I lose my best friend for a lot of the time. 

I don't care that he's 6'2" or brags about his auto-whatever guns. I'm not afraid of him, and it only takes one second for me to go from 0 to 60 when I'm in protective mode. I'd like to say I stole that trait from my Father, but alas, it's all my mother's. She's like a little chihuahua.

But it's the BFF's life. Not mine. It's her fate to make.

Yesterday at lunch, I asked her for the hundredth time to help me understand why an insanely beautiful, strong willed, independent, smart woman like her would ever want to be bothered with this clown.

And then she gave me "the look".  It's the look she gives me when she has to explain something about the world to me. Finally, she got all exasperated and said, "...because he has a big d*ck."

Really, ladies? Is this where we are?

Robot Conquers Mt. Brownie

News at 11.

Previous Adventures of Robot.

OMFG It's Shark Week, bitches!

I'm stuck to my couch like a mako on a school of tuna. 

And I'm going all Polaris attack and breaching this leftover birthday cake I found in the fridge. 

#SeeWhatIDidThere

Last Shark Week

I wanna swim with sharks.





. 

Nothing Interesting to Report

I'm chillin' at Kristyl's place for the weekend.

I've lost 1.5 of my 3 excess pounds so far.

Gonna check out Flower Day on Sunday. Honestly, I just don't feel like gardening anymore. I was maintaining the garden out of respect for my grandmother, but I think I'm just going to hire a landscaper this time.

Oh, filters. Blessed be.

The people who go to the annual Flower Day are crazy stepford wives on crack. Seriously. Those women are crazy. It's like they've been pacing around in their living rooms all year waiting for this one day to come. And don't even dare get between a Flower Day wife and a vibrant bundle of impatiens...if you do, just stab yourself in the neck and get it over with.

And the poor husbands. In their khaki shorts and their pink polo shirts and their horrible long white socks tucked into their jesus sandals, holding their wives' purses and pretending to care which hue of pink goes best with the house and tugging their broken little red wagons full of half-dead annuals.

It's so sad.

You simply have not lived until you've heard my mother say, "Girl, bye."

Went to the Metro Times Best of Detroit event tonight. They had these cool indoor local food and wine vendor booths with way too much food. Some trollop wore the same dress I did, only in a different color. I should've punched her in the testicles.

Rihanna got to swim with sharks for a photo shoot. I think I cried when I saw that on ET. The #1 thing on my bucket list.  I wanna swim alongside at least 1 great white just once in my lifetime. I watched a documentary where a scientist said that, as long as you're facing them, they treat you with respect.  You're not officially "prey" until you lose the eye contact.  Apparently, the largest group of great whites can be found off the southern African coast. They're so smart and mysterious and beautiful.  Don't you think?

I saw Ex Machina. It was so clever and good. Okay, it was actually so good that it made me wish I was smarter Nice surprise ending, also. And it's the real kind of sci-fi. "Real" = actual possible future (like Trek)...not a cheesy implausible future like Star Wars.

That's it. I got nothin.

It's definitely this city.

Aimlessly wandered Bourbon Street in an attempt to try all the popular "take out" drinks and collect all the cool cups. A cute and funny and charming and quite persuasive Irishman wouldn't give me back my phone until I agreed to have breakfast with him. 

Thank goodness for filters.
*Courtyard
*Wacky bed decor
*Room service
*Ominous streets...my fave!
*Remnants of hand grenade/diner

It was circa "North by Northwest" charming. 

I'd had 2 hurricanes and a hand grenade (bestest drink ever!) at that point, so the teeny local diner on the next corner with all of 3 tables did just the trick.

He looks more Italianish than Irishish. Actually, he looks exactly like the actor in Age of Adeline (great movie, btw). He has that manly scruff and the super thick longish hair that looks like a silk sheet. It's sort of uncanny. 

I'm calling him O'Brian.

And he has the boyish nervousness of a guy who doesn't have something scripted to say to a woman. He was unsure how to take charge of the conversation. And his inquiries were hesitant. It's beyond refreshing. And I'll bet the technique has garnered him a gaggle of thots. 

Or maybe it's this city.

I'm not gonna lie. At 1am, there are lots of flirty guys around with alcohol-induced courage, armored with a variety of pick up lines.  I would think that a woman walking alone in New Orleans would mean that there's something wrong with her. But apparently, it only means she's been separated from the protection of her pride.

But O'Brien's kind of concentrated "I see beyond the fact that you have a vajayjay and you smell clean" focus and affected obsession works for me.

Or maybe it's this city.

He does have really nice lips.

And in the whole 4 hours, not one "I've dated (and/or love) Asian women" reference.  

However, he had no idea who Jean Luc Picard is.

Sigh. Some things just can't be taught.

Damned city. They let anyone in.

Side note: A dude wearing a Star Wars t-shirt told me to come over and touch his lightsaber. Probably his 20th attempt to be clever that night. I told him I'd like to borrow it so I could shove it up his ass and watch it light up.  His buddies were still teasing him by the end of the block. 

Kotoshi

At Greektown Casino with K-Dubs. I won like $72 at a quarter machine...SCORE! A guy at the table games taught me how to play poker. 

Well, not really. I'm still confused. 

Currently, I'm eating alligator voodoo and grilled snapper at Fishbone's (New Orleans-style food) thanks to a really nice guy with (apparently) way too many casino comps on his card. There is so much food on this table. KDubs damn near demolished the plate of oysters before I could snag one.

When I look at all our pics together...the ones in my phone and on my desk, even this one from the same time last year...

Wow...we're really getting old. We've both changed so much.

Bleezle deezle and the pudding pops and the pills and ca-MIILLEE

I muted out the nice senior
citizen who was on my right.

At the best Coney Island with the best coney dogs, which happens to be deep DEEP in the hood.

So I'm checking my texts and smashing the best coney dog ever created and doing my Bill Cosby impression all at the same time, and Phoebe decides it would be funny to secretly record me, and then go from booth to booth to show everyone.

This chick's going to get us murderized. Smdh.

Therefore, I've added a new definition to coneycap....

- - - - - - - -

Coneycap [KOH-nee cap] - noun:

1. A coney dog enjoyed at the end of an evening instead of an alcoholic beverage.

2. To be struck by a bullet while eating a coney dog.

Belly full of Jelly

Lowly office laborer offers Robot part of her Paczki...Robot takes entire half instead.  News at 11. 

Happy Fat Tuesday, everybody!

Daily Post-Its

Trying something new. I'm going to write a random thought on a post-it note every day this week. This will force me to blog something every day.

Well, this should be a hot rambling mess.

MONDAY

Okay. Who the hell put mint flavour in the damn chocolate muffins? Are you kidding me? This stresses me out. Attention Chocolate Companies: Stop mixing chocolate with mint.  It's not a flavor. It's disgusting. These two ingredients belong way away from each other. They're like fire and ice. Seriously, who's responsible for this disgusting concoction? It's disrespectful to chocolate, it is.

One time I drove thru a new Starbuck's. I ordered my usual white chocolate mocha. I took my first sip as I got home and was walking through the kitchen. I gagged from the nasty shot of mint syrup some dweeb had added to my cup and barely made it to the sink to spit it out. Know what I did? I drove my ratty old car right back up to Starbuck's and went off. Apparently, the shot of mint was a "freebie".  Really?  Why would I want to brush my teeth while eating the heavenly perfection that is chocolate?? How DARE you, sir?

Stop it.

TUESDAY

Sometimes, we affect change simply by doing nothing. Change is imminent, and our immobility creates a sort of wormhole around the evolving currents. In effect, everything around us shifts about to make room for transition, but because we refuse to shift with them, they just find another way around. And our resistance anchors us to what once was, which will at some point be pushed out naturally. Like a splinter.

I doodle Einstein-Rosens
in meetings.

 

But evolution continues. It won't stop just because you glue your feet to the floor of your universe. 

A bite from change can shoot enough venom into your veins to debilitate you.  Movement caused by an evolution we weren't ready for can weigh enough to crack our frame and knock us about. Action --> Equal/opposite reaction.

But sometimes, change occurs and you push off and follow everything around you into that wormhole, but with the acceptance that all the floating pieces shifting about - bumping into you, scarring you, singeing your skin - it actually toughens your bones and shines up your shell.

 

Evolution can be the greatest exfoliant.

WEDNESDAY
Just saw that. Okay, listen. Don't use what you know about my personal brand of ethics to try to manipulate me. Just because I believe in paying it forward and the tenacity of karma doesn't mean that throwing out phrases like "you owe me this" and "this is your debt" will work. Most likely, your transparent attempt at coercion will get you even less than you already had.

Dammit.

THURSDAY
I can scratch my butt by wiggling in my office chair, but then the arm handles poke me in the ribs.

FRIDAY
Tis the season for ridiculous jewelry commercials. Every third commercial is a guy proposing to a woman while shoving a gaudy diamond ring in her face. The basic message: "She won't marry you unless she sees a big rock." The women at work lose their damn minds when someone shows off a giant engagement ring. What's the obsession with diamonds? And why do women put so much importance on them?  This is how I know I'm somehow broken. I've never wanted kids, and I've never wanted a diamond ring. I'll take a really pretty cubic zirconia any day. Who cares how much it's worth as long as it's pretty? The stone in my mom's wedding ring has been long gone. She never replaced it. She just wore it without the stone. Besides, I could invest the rest of that money in something important. Like shoes.

Oy vey...this one again.

In other news, I broke my booty shaking it to Bruno Mars' Uptown Funk all day. And my answer to everything today was, "Don't believe me? Just watch!"  Kristyl came in and we closed the door and had a dance party. Also, I had to quickly lower my arms and get down from the chair when my boss walked by.



Seriously, how addictive is this song? It's got that swanky smooth 1980's Morris Day Jimmy Jam vibe.

 

So Ordered

 

So we were talking about how if you're super late, you may have to forego a full shower and take a "Whore's Bath". For visitors not in the know (and guys), a "Whore's Bath" is what you take when you don't have time for the real thing. You may be late for an appointment, or just lazy. (Urban Dictionary's version here.) So you substitute standing at the sink and washing the important body parts for an actual shower. 

This sparked a debate about the variations of a Whore's Bath. Specifically, what constitutes a Whore's Bath? What are the parameters? For instance, what if you don't have any water? What if it's a really fancy bathroom? The scope of the matter, if you will. Heh.

Therefore, we, the Bathing Committee, have proposed and agreed upon the following terms and titles as they pertain to bathroom hygiene:

 

Swipe and Wipe

Moniker for "Whore's Bath", i.e., the act of washing oneself without the use or benefit of a continual stream of water (shower or bath), typically using a bathroom sink, requiring yoga-loke poses to complete the task. 

French Whore's Bath

Foregoing the razor & shaving cream during a wash up, even if it's direly needed.

Hooker's Bath

Washing up using the sink in the room of a pay-per-hour motel room's bathroom. 

Skank's Bath

Washing up using wet wipes.

8 Mile Road Bath

Using whiskey or vodka to clean your bullet wounds. 

 

Skeevy Bath

Using another person's washcloth to wash up.

 

Call Girl's Bath

Washing up using upscale bath products; washing up while using the shower steam to unwrinkle your dress; washing up in a bathroom with a bidet. 

 

The Morning After Bath

Washing up and then putting on makeup to pretend that you always look that way.

 

I Just Slept with a Murderer Bath

Running the shower while trying to exit via the bathroom window.

 

So it is ordered; so shall it be done.





Lunch with The Ladies (i.e., "The Popular Table")



 

The Oldest Story in the Book.

 

 

 

Girl receives BFF's distress call. Girl braves torrential storms and complete darkness to pick up cupcakes on the way to BFF's house.  Girl  is immediately hypnotized by BFF's shiny new curved TV and spends the duration of the evening in a trance-like state - smearing cupcake icing on her face, ruining BFF's furniture, and drooling over "Gravity".

#curvedTVistheDevil

#curvedTVistheNewJesus

#wetdog

#forgotwhaticamefor

#thankyouStarTrek

 

 

 

 

 

Best Saturday nite ever.

Cupcakes, wine and SVU reruns. Yes. 

 

 

Well, merde.



BTW, Canadians... "poo-TAWN"?
Just French fries and gravy.
Get over yourselves.

Canadians detect my Midwestern accent at the first syllable. Unlike Amurrkans, they hear a "distinctively eastern Asian twang" (not my words). 

 

Though, just now, I wonder how much of that is influenced by the visual, and the comparison to members of Toronto's huge Chinese population.

 

I certainly blend in here. To the "Asian is Asian" many, at least.  Makes me feel comfortable, but insignificant. Also reminds me of my ex's terminal case of Yellow Fever.

 

 

Reggae on The Beach

Swanky new outdoor spot with beach chairs, sand, and great music.

Beach Bar & Grille

Greatest Snack Drawer Ever [echo]

Think yours is better? Prove it.

Start Up Grind

I met Hello Innovation owner Joey Joachim at Einstein's Bagels the other day. He invited me to a Start Up Grind event he's hosting tonight at his downtown office.

Of course, I drove by a shoe store I've been dying to visit since forever, and circled back.  WOOT.

So, I need someone to call me right now and tell me that I don't need any more shoes.

Really. Someone call me. I'm hungry and my willpower is shot.

There will be food, drinks, a DJ, some raffles...and he was talking some additional smack about building a business, developing a business plan, blah blah blah.

I told him, "Dude. You had me at 'food'."

I suspect there will be tons of beautiful, statuesque bachelorettes there, all pining for his attention.  Fine by me. I'll be the one over by the buffet packing my pockets with meatballs and licking the gravy off my blouse.

(^ Tablet users can't see this video ^)

http://www.eventbrite.com/e/startup-grind-detroit-hosts-joey-joachim-hello-innovation-tickets-10661834835

Clears Nasal Passages

Mmmm... Irish nachos...

Neighbor Approved

I'm thinking of starting a YouTube channel called "Neighbor Approved". So the premise is that I'd cook a meal, and my neighbor would approve it or hate it.  My neighbor loves cooking shows, so she lit up at the idea. It'll take some persuasion to get her in front of a camera.

 

This was just a test run. Got a LOT of technical stuff to work out...

 

Better webcam, timing, checking stock, cleaning the workspace, script.

It might be a fun challenge. And my neighbor clearly loves the idea of judging dishes.

Yaa, Mom, I know it's on the wrong side. But the pat of rice went on the plate anyway. Also, Doddee's chopsticks. All mine. :p

 

 

 

 

By the way, iPad, Kindle, Galaxy and iPhone users are never able to view videos in this format. Go figure.

 

 

 Edited 04.07.14 for brevity, file reduction.

 

 

 

 

Time again for "What's in That Truck?"

So, what's in that truck, and why am I not rolling around in it?

 

 

 

Previous WITT.


 

300: Rise, bitches.

300 sets of abs...oh, lawd!

 

So how hard was it, really, for the chick who plays Artemesia(sp?) in 300: Rise of an Empire (a.k.a., "A Sea of Abs") to accept that role?

 

"Um, yeah...so you'll have to stare at men's abs all day, you'll have to wear what appears to be the ancient Grecian version of badass Chanel gowns for the entire movie, you'll get to boss men around...oh, and you have to do the dirty with the hot leader guy with the beard that goes all the way around his neck...but you do get paid for it. And I guess you could keep the gowns if you want."

 

Really????

 

Seriously. They could've pay me in chocolate and [deleted...cannot believe my mother caught that].

Tried to sit on Kristyl's lap,
but her giant boobies were in the way.

#ijs  #kristylapproved  #jugs