Corn dogs for Lunch!

A coworker tried to take the last one in the pan and I kicked her Sparta-style. 

#TheDayIsMine

#ThisIsSPARTA

De regreso a Miami

Leaning into it at
Punch Bowl Social

Convinced my buddy from Miami to create a blog. Exciting! She has a lot to say.

She's on a flight back home now. Probably thankful to get away from my gropy hands. 

Sigh. Back to normal life. Miss you already!

Talent Show's Over

Event went off without a hitch. Instead of tickets, I made it community outreach donations only. I placed a clear ballot box at the entrance with a sign that said donations for community outreach are appreciated. The suggested donation was $2, but as I carried the clear box back to my desk to count in the morning, I saw a few twenties!  It's so humbling that people will give what they have freely to help the community. 

All the performers were just amazing. Better than in their auditions. I was mostly backstage making sure things happened in order so I couldn't see the audience, but they were definitely on their feet and hooting a few times. 

I'm just so proud of the employees who overcame their shyness and nervousness and went for it.

Oh, I ordered these three iridescent trophy pieces for the top 3 winners, but one broke while moving it.  That's almost $300!! So I just gave out the 1st place award. 

Well, it's been a looong night. I'm taking off tomorrow to spend time with my girlie from Miami,who hung with me at the talent show tonight. We're gonna eat pizza and watch Jerry Springer all day.

#bestdayever

Miami

My job sucks. 

1 concentrated month planning a managers/execs boat cruise. A $45k check that I personally drove down to the boat dock this morning. A high maintenance band that demanded a special boat launch time and white rose arm bouquets who the execs just had to have. A crazy dinner menu with stuff I can't pronounce. I had to google some of it. Stalking the executives when they didn't RSVP. I actually leaned against one person's closed door so he couldn't get out until he gave me an answer.

All that, and then I miss the last shuttle because I was helping a guest.

Aaand as I'm typing this, I notice that my new shellac job has just chipped.

Meh. 

But it's all good. An old friend from the Miami days is coming up to stay with me this week. So I could use this time to clean up a bit.

From
  5 Seconds of a nervous breakdown

We worked together for a cruise line company in Miami Beach.  That was a few years ago, before the earthquake and Detroit.

She's also a Second Life friend, though she's online even less than I am.

I gotta spray extra spider spray on all the ceilings. Last night I found a spider on my ceiling. Just chillaxin. Throwin' up gang signs at me. With a little mini-boom box playing "Straight Outta Compton".

Little bastard.

So I screamed and set the nozzle on my spray bottle of 99% alcohol to "kill" and sprayed his punk ass dead.

But that was too close to my bed.  So I slept under my sheets last night with the window closed (noisy neighbors) and woke up with a damp pillow from sweating.

I know. Sexy, right?

Anyway I can't wait for my buddy to visit. I miss Miami.

I suppose I should clean the sheets first.

Last gangster spider I saw.

Currently addicted to this song. Which version's better?

It's a Beautiful Sunday

I want to do something outdoors, but no forced spider encounters. I could bogart my way into a random family picnic at the park, but that only works when Kristyl is with me because she blends in easier than I do. lol

Yeah, we've done it a few times.  The trick is to pick the picnic with the biggest group of people.  And if someone asks you which side of the family you're on, just say you're Uncle Joe's granddaughter.

Like a glove.

Also wedding receptions. But you have to time it so you get there after the cake is cut.

So I want to do something but don't know what. Gym, did that yesterday. Swimming, too crowded. Park, spiders. Roller skate, too crowded. Bike riding, crazy Sunday church drivers. By the time I finish this list, it'll be midnight. Problem solved.

"What had happened was..."

When you're running late to pick up your BFF for the DJ Twist event, but you spot a new shoe store across the street with a halo of lights on the storefront as if God himself is pointing to it ...

#ARelationshipIsOverWhen

#ISwearThereWasAChoir

#BestWhiteLieEver

#shoeproblems

For the Ladies.

Okay, this post is for women only. It's going to get really girly, and probably a lot gross. 

So if you have a penis, please find the illuminated exit signs to the left, the right and the rear of this post.

Exit left: Yahoo Sports

Exit right: Hey, look...BOOBIES! (nsfw)

Exit rear: Mmm...bacon.

My sister made this meme of
my mom and posted it for
every relative in the
universe. She thinks
it's funny. I think imma
punch her in the face.

Okay, ladies. The boys are distracted for a bit.  Let's talk real talk.

Let's talk about period blood flow.  Does your period ever flake out on you? This month, mine came a full week late. Further proof that my mother was actually right, and that my eggs really are drying up. Which means I need to pop some grandkids out within the next couple of years.

And here's another question... On the 2nd night (which is, as you know, the worst night, right?) I got home really late from work. I ate some popcorn, took a shower and passed out in my bath towel. I literally could not wake myself up enough to get up and put on a pad. I actually mumbled, "Oh, PLEASE don't mess up these sheets. I love these sheets.... ZZzzzzzzzz..."

Guess what...I woke up the next morning and...nothing.

From Clarifications

IKR!?

Not one drop.  Not even on me!

ON THE SECOND NIGHT!

So what does this mean, leadies? Is it physiological? Is period flow a mind-over-matter thing?  Omg.

Oh, speaking of controlling our bodily functions, there's this new app called RunPee.

So you know how you go to the movies and right when the good part is starting, you have to go pee? It's a big fiasco. Well there's this sweet new app called RunPee. This app is badass, ladies. You tell the app what movie you're watching, the app syncs with the movie and then tells you the best times to go pee. Omg, right??

From RunPee.com

I supposed I could've shared the RunPee tip with the guys, but...honestly, screw the guys.  They pee standing up.

Next thing: Two years ago my friends paid a male dancer to pull me on stage for my birthday. I was pissed at them - mostly humiliated that they paid for it, and he poured hot wax on me after I told him not to. I learned after that there's a special wax for kinky stuff...this wasn't it. My chest was red and sore for a while after. So I kinda lashed out at him by calling him a name. As mentioned in a previous post, I saw him again last year, and he definitely remembered me.

From OMG what's happening right now

I saw him again two days ago at this snobby neighborhood supermarket that I usually stay away from. The customers are really snobby. Even the cashiers have attitudes. But it's the only place that sells my favorite bottle of moscato. Apparently, he lives in the neighborhood. And for whatever reason still remembers that I called him a name. Is that odd, or am I wrong? He must get insulted at least once in a while on the job.

I mean...he is short. He's like 2'4".  Okay, not really.

So I apologized with more humility this time and explained that I was really angry with my friends and took my anger out on him.

Missin' N'awlins.

Then he went into this whole rant about how his new girlfriend is twice as hot as me and how she knows how "f*ckin' big" he really is.

I was standing behind him in the check out line while he continued his rampage. I was so confused. I think I might have dropped my shopping basket. lol

*shrug*

So now I feel even worse. I feel bad for calling him a name, which was childish and careless, and then for getting him all riled up again the other day.  Should I have left it alone?

Speaking of strippers. ladies...Magic Mike XXL.

Two words.

Cheetos. And water.

You're welcome.

Illegal in-movie recording. #loveit

Yeah, I've seen it twice.  Jealous?

If you're in the metro Detroit area, there's a new shoe store in Madison Heights that sells pretty pumps for...TEN DOLLARS!! Omg. I still managed to spend $82 there. They have men's shoes, too. I'd tell the guys but...screw the guys. They pee standing up.

Next question. Why do we have to work harder than men to be acknowledged at work?  I mean REAL acknowledgement. Like pay raises or inclusion.I have 5 huge projects happening right now that I'm solely responsible for. I'm planning/executing every facet of:

• employee talent show (next week)
• employee lunch with the CEO (tomorrow)
• employee health fair w/26 vendors (two weeks)
• managers' yacht cruise for 200 managers and +1s (Monday)
• ...I can't even remember what else atm

All of this involves all sorts of communication, branding, posting, phone calls, triple counts, and don't even get me started on the yacht fiasco.

The only cool thing about not having time for friends is that my phone stays charged for days. Waking up to a phone on an almost full battery when you didn't charge it is like a small little win for the day. Sigh.

A coworker in another department and I report to the same exec. He's constantly in the exec's face. He'll resolve some little issue, like helping an employee fix something, and he'll spend hours in the exec's office bragging about what he did. He interrupts my meetings with the exec, he sits down at our lunch table and talks about his day. It's really obvious, and I'm not sure why the exec puts up with it.

Other than because he's a guy?

Seriously. If we did that - stalked our bosses and complained about our days - we'd be seen as whiny, moody, high-maintenance.

But my coworker?  In the past year, he's received a raise, an employee recognition and a promotion.

Double standard, ladies.  Seriously. Wtf.

A guy I use to be interested in had a girlfriend all along.  How'd I find out? Cause I'm a stalker. 

SMH.  He was lying the whole time.

Well, he's a guy.  So...yeah.

I can't stand my BFF's boyfriend. He's cheated on her numerous times. All of his friends are fully aware of his shenanigans. And he's sort of blatant about it.

Exhibit A 

Boyfriend has a motorcycle accident and is taken to the hospital. One friend contacts my BFF, unaware that another friend has contacted the other girlfriend. Both show up at the hospital, and fireworks ensue. Boyfriend pleads with BFF to take him back, and - to my befuddlement - she does. 

From 300: Rise, bitches.

Exhibit B

BFF and boyfriend go on vacay, and BFF complains to me that boyfriend texts someone else the whole time. And he only posts pictures of himself or with other tourists - not with her. Turns out he was texting the other girlfriend the whole trip and adding that he was on vacation with his buddies...not the BFF.

Exhibit C

He's been in and out of jail, he's in a gang, He has way too many guns - all illegal. He has a stupid temper.

I can't stand him. And she's well aware of that fact.  She knows I want to twist his testicles into balloon animals. So she keeps us separate. Which sucks because I lose my best friend for a lot of the time. 

I don't care that he's 6'2" or brags about his auto-whatever guns. I'm not afraid of him, and it only takes one second for me to go from 0 to 60 when I'm in protective mode. I'd like to say I stole that trait from my Father, but alas, it's all my mother's. She's like a little chihuahua.

But it's the BFF's life. Not mine. It's her fate to make.

Yesterday at lunch, I asked her for the hundredth time to help me understand why an insanely beautiful, strong willed, independent, smart woman like her would ever want to be bothered with this clown.

And then she gave me "the look".  It's the look she gives me when she has to explain something about the world to me. Finally, she got all exasperated and said, "...because he has a big d*ck."

Really, ladies? Is this where we are?

Robot Conquers Mt. Brownie

News at 11.

Previous Adventures of Robot.

Shaaarkk!

Um...excuse the interruption, sir, but I believe there's a shark on your head.

hehhhehheh

SHARK WEEK!!!

On Decisions

I just got invited to the Rolling Stones concert at Comerica Park tonight. 

But it's Shark Week. 

And the "Bride of Jaws" doc comes on tonight. 

And I know nothing about The Rolling Stones. 

Except that the lead singer guy did a funny skit with Jimmy Fallon on SNL. 

Wait. They sing the "start me up" song, right? They play it in like every commercial in the universe. 

And he dances funny. 

But any event at Comerica is bound to be awe-inspiring. 

Decisions, decisions. 

What would you do?

#1stworldproblems

Last Comerica Park.

OMFG It's Shark Week, bitches!

I'm stuck to my couch like a mako on a school of tuna. 

And I'm going all Polaris attack and breaching this leftover birthday cake I found in the fridge. 

#SeeWhatIDidThere

Last Shark Week

I wanna swim with sharks.





. 

Thank...you...?

Okay, someone's way too knowledgeable about my cycle...

/me checks all the calendars

#creepy

#stillgonnaeatit

#1stworldproblems

Warmth + XXL + Day to Nite

So this male coworker.

He gives me this really warm greeting when we pass. He greets me like I rescued his mother from a burning building. His whole demeanor changes,  By the time we've passed each other, it feels like he just gave me a big hug. 

No, it isn't the flirty look. The "I'm imagining you naked" look guys do when they see a random woman under the age of 50.

Nope, this is more like the look your grandmother gave you when you graduated from high school. It's hard to describe, but it's definitely a "Hello, Mia...I'm so glad for what you've done for me" greeting.

I only realized it this week. But he's been doing it for a while. I watched him discreetly today in the lunchroom. He mostly only greeted the people in his department, but from what I could see, they were just greetings. Like normal people. I cut through the tables to greet him on my way to put up my tray, and he actually put his fork down and again greeted me like I'm a long lost family member, and like he was just wasting time eating until he could greet me.

So I'm trying to think back to something we could have both been involved in. Maybe a community outreach thing. Or maybe I let him jump in front of me on the freeway.  Idk. But it's driving me crazy. It's kind of uncomfortable to get a "thank you so much for waking up this morning and gracing me with your presence" greeting from a guy I don't remember doing anything for.

Idk. I'm dying to ask him what's up, but I'm afraid of the answer. It'll either be, "Well, you saved me my life...don't you remember?", or "Um...what look? Are you crazy? Psycho."

Headed to see Magic Mike XXL with the ladies. I'll see all you ladies there lol

Hey, here's how to go from "worker bee" to "night owl" in 5 minutes:

1. Replace suit jacket with cropped bolero or clingy jacket.
2. Remove pantyhose.
3. Replace work pumps with T-strap peep toes.
4. Unwind twisted hair bun and scrunch until hair is really foofy.

Also, worst butt dial ever.