Obligation

A blog post can be mightier than the sword, it seems.

I've written, deleted, rewritten, and held this post 3 or 4 times now. I wasn't in a mood to air my dirty laundry, and I still don't think I can fully explain my thoughts. But it's 7am, and I'm still awake.  Now's as good a time as any.

In the interest of my resolution to improve my character and (more importantly) help the random visitor who may also be dealing with their own family fiascos, I'm editing this post now, for the last time - removing the curse words, removing some stuff for brevity - and posting it.

So a simple statement included in a recent post has caused a whirlwind of drama in my family.  Well, okay, it wouldn't be drama if I simply shut up about it, but still. Drama.  Every day for two weeks now, I've had this burning hole in my chest that feels like a giant wormhole sucking my energy into some other dimension.

I didn't confess to robbing a bank. I didn't say I was pregnant.  I didn't murder anybody.

I simply wrote: "I have an appointment for a tattoo today."

 

And so it began.

Here's how this fiasco went down.  My mother read my post and ftfo'd. She told my brother.  My brother has his own family, but enjoys the high he gets from pretending to be all paternal in the absence of an actual HOH ("head of household"). So my brother left a voicemail message simply saying, "Mia, you will not get a tattoo."

I was raised to believe that I belong to my immediate family under the guidance of the family's HOH, until I have an HOH of my own.  That's a super simplified explanation, but going into the cultural and religious interpretations would take forever, and readers still may not understand.   But basically, to tattoo or permanently mar my body as I am now could be considered disrespectful to a future husband. A dutiful unmarried daughter is a solid (clean) frame that supports the foundation of a strong family.

Now, let me tell you how it really is. I put myself through 100 years of college in the States without financial aid or assistance from you.  I've received 3 promotions in the last six years and "employee of the year" three times now. I handle the bookkeeping and staffing for Doddy's business.  I am honored and obliged by Ototo to maintain our property here. The financial obligations, the home maintenance, all me.  I've abandoned a relationship for my family. When Sobo became ill, I was the best equipped to nurse her. And I did. My entire life was dedicated to making her as comfortable as possible.  I handle the financial obligations for the nihon kaoku no.  I just bought you a new car. I'm the emergency contact for every member of our immediate family.

Am I not dutiful, Okaasa?  What did you imagine would happen when I gravitated toward Doddy's behaviors then?  He couldn't go fishing or work on that giant old Dodge or drink with his buddies or play at that smoky, cramped club without me tagging along. Did you really think I wouldn't grow up to be strong-willed and self-reliant in his shadow?

And how does it feel to have all of your pruning - the piano and the opera and the skating lessons - seemingly ineffective against chosen learned behaviors?

One truth is clear: you cannot continue to feign an aversion to my stances wholly supported by a culture in which you placed me over 20 years ago. And I grow tired of having my sister and my differences pointed out for me.

So, which is it? Should I continue to honor and support my family in every way I conceivably can, or would you simply prefer an empty frame?