The cashier took so long to ring me up for midol and 2 candy bars that I wanted to spontaneously mutate into Predator circa 1987 and snap off his head with my pincer teeth and my boobs hurt so much I can't even look down at them without wincing in pain and I have this overwhelming need to bite someone and no matter how lovingly I cradle my stomach it still feels like theres a small village of ninjas on crack having a studio 54 party inside and so I will just sit very still like this on the side of my bed with my head on the pillow but if I could just reach my laptop with my foot and slide it over maybe my arms could find the strength to slide it up onto the bed and I could at least kill some zombies also the next text message or call or Skype or ding I get on my phone will result in the total annihilation of not only you but your future offspring by way of a Japanese voodoo curse that will turn your testes into balloon animals
#mothernaturemyass
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